A True Conversion!
Since I was young, I have chosen to rage at every suffering, at every moment. I reacted with jealousy and pride. I have been impatient to the point of rage and hate, constantly. I hated myself and had a warped idea of what Love is. I received the Blessed Sacrament so many times when in a state of mortal sin, which of course is a deliberate sin of a grave matter in full knowledge of what I was doing. So many mortal sins damaged my soul!
Anger perfused my life and I committed murder in my heart a thousand times, cutting me off from Christ. I cannot say it was my only sin, there were so many others. I was cut off in the most mortal way by my sins. Through my own free will, I let hatefulness inside me.
Prayer for me was intermittent and only for my own desires. I could not commit to the Most Holy Rosary, to Our Lord. I prayed half-heartedly for others and even when I did, it was not every day. I hardly ever meditated on the mysteries of the Rosary, and I never kept Our Lady company while meditating.
For years and years on end I did not receive the Sacrament of Penance. Because I relied on my own intuition, abilities and belief system, I failed to persevere. Complete trust in the Divine Providence of God is what I was not aiming for...maybe in word, but not in true intent and deed. I loved myself more than God. I thought that I could give Him less than my all.
A little before Christmas (22nd) of 2011, I had taken the day off work to get ready for a Christmas trip to my fiancé’s home and then my home. I was not preparing, but instead reading on the Internet and stumbled across a video on Fatima and Our Lady's prophecies and apparitions.
I was moved to read on and thus, to start saying the Rosary every day with her help. I cannot impart to you in words the Graces that Our Lady, our Eternal Advocate, afforded for me. Then, coupled with receiving the Sacrament of Penance this week, God has graced me with the strength now to temper my patience, to offer my sufferings, to defuse my anger... in fact; the anger is all but gone. This is a MIRACLE because I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH THIS
MY ENTIRE LIFE...I HAVE NEVER CONQUERED IT! NOT ONCE.
This I cannot say was my own doing, but the will of God and Our Lady's appeals for me. The anger and hatefulness cannot live in my soul while my devotion to her and my reliance on Our Lord grows. I have an abhorrence for sin that I never had before, the thirst for prayer all the time, for penance, for Grace, for the Sacraments...I want to Adore the Lord all the time now in my actions AND prayers, and I am saddened by mine and the WORLD'S separation from Him (though not enough by far) through sin; the world fades away and the Lord and promise of eternal life grows stronger in my soul.
Upon waking I think about Him, thinking that instead of doing this or that, why am I not praying? Why am I not adoring Him? Adoring the Most Blessed Sacrament? Laying my life at His feet? Why am I not praying for souls? The deep desire to pray for souls, to help people find this Grace through devotion to the Most Holy Rosary and her Immaculate Heart has pervaded my existence. She is the Gracious Advocate of my life. I have experienced the miracle of conversion.
This day and every day I offer my sufferings in atonement for sins and in prayer for the salvation of souls. I don't know exactly how to word things and I may say things wrong. So here are two prayers I offer in PRAYER and HOPE that YOU will start praying the Most Holy Rosary today.
O God, by the life, death and resurrection of Your only begotten Son, You purchased for us the rewards of eternal life; grant, we beseech You that while meditation on these mysteries of the Holy rosary, we may imitate what they contain and obtain what they promise. Through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.
FATIMA PRAYER: Most Holy Trinity - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit - I adore thee profoundly. I offer Thee the most precious Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, present in all the tabernacles of the world, in reparation for the outrages, sacrileges and indifferences whereby He is offended. And through the infinite merits of His Most Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I beg of Thee the conversion of poor sinners.
In Christ through the intercession of His Mother,